"When you say goodbye, I hope it hurts. If it does, then you know that you have loved and been loved well." ~Vivian Wilson at MTI
It has taken me several days just to write this. I think it's because it's difficult to say goodbye. I have loved and been loved well, but it's hard to admit that we're closing this time with you. Saying goodbye means acknowledging that I am going through loss. It means that I can't be glib and just tell you that "we'll see each other again" or "a few years isn't that long." While those things may be true or may not, they are not the answer to what I have to do. I have to tell you that you matter and I miss you. You've taken up residence in my heart and I'll feel the distinct lack of you in my life. Yeah, I know there's really good and exciting stuff ahead, I can't wait for it, but this stings. We had our final going away party tonight in Fort Collins. We were SO thankful to see so many friends there, it's like having a huge, wonderful family. The people in our lives embrace us like family and we're so glad for that! It makes goodbyes hard, but SO important to do right. I still don't have the hang of it yet...clearly, or I wouldn't be working on this for days only to erase it and start over after our last goodbye party. I have a lot of work to do yet.
While we were at MTI, we spent a day talking about hellos and goodbyes. They challenged and encouraged us to "say goodbye well." Often, I insulate my feelings when I'm facing difficulty and the risk of hurting. I've done that a lot this year thinking it would protect me, but it just makes me act weird. Jason doesn't like it much. :) What I didn't know is that it's important for us to feel that hurt so we can move through it and into healthy "hellos" on the other side. When we say goodbye and do it well, we are giving the gift of a full-hearted hello to the group we'll join afterward. Goodbyes have a process and a culmination. We have said goodbye to many people at this point and have more to say in the coming days. We hope to convey to each of you just how much you've meant to us and that it will be a personal loss to us not to be able to spend time with you and enjoy the closeness we've enjoyed with you. And we also look forward to thoroughly embracing the hearts of people we don't even know yet in Guinea-Bissau. These are times of great paradox. It involves a lot of the unknown, God's great provision that comes in our eleventh hour, sadness that is sweet, joy that is full and moments that cement themselves to our memory.
"Closing time: Open all the doors and let you out into the world ...
Closing time: You don't have to go home but you can't stay here... Closing time: Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."
These words are strong for me when I am going through times of transition. I like the comfort of knowing that looking at the end of a chapter means that there's a beginning at the turn of the next page. This is a new beginning. It is a time to be sad and happy. That's comforting in a way because it helps me know that this is all pretty normal.
The song above is beautiful and has granted me deep solace. I know that no matter where I am, He is right there with me and I am not alone. I can stop striving and take rest. Rest is beautiful and is right. Recently, I realized that in the USA, often we can value "busyness"....seriously, when was the last time you talked to someone and asked them how they were and they said "Busy!" It happens all the time. The tone I use when I tell people I've been "busy" sounds like I expect them to be proud of me for being that way. It's like, "See, I've got a lot going on, it's why we haven't gotten together, I am important" and busy-ness becomes a badge we wear. What if the next time someone asked "What have you been up to?" or "How are you?" I said, "I've been resting and allowing myself to recharge," or "I've had fun." Maybe if I'd give myself a chance to recharge and rest, I'd find that I was able to communicate what people mean to me and focus on them rather than hope they notice my "Been-Busy-Badge." What if instead of being busy and important, I said, "You're so important to me and I value the time I spend with you. I'm ready to invest in you in whatever way I can." It's so much easier to want close friends who walk with me through the hard things than to be a close friend who walks with someone through something difficult. If I allowed myself to rest in God's arms, maybe I could be that friend. Maybe being productive and being "busy" are diametrically opposed. Perhaps rest can bring more thorough satisfaction when we do work. God did set a great example by resting one day in seven, after all. Just sayin.
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