The next steps

For the last several months, I have called a hiatus to life in general while I took some time to figure out what just happened. Have you ever had things happen so fast, you're left wondering "What the what?" That's us lately. Things have slowed down enough for us to start to catch back up.

The doctors are still not sure what's going on with my body entirely. For a little while, I stopped trying to get more answers from medicine since it seemed to get me nowhere. I am back on track and have seen another doctor who is hopeful to find an answer. Next week, I'll be getting an ultrasound done to look for fibroid tumors. I am seriously hoping that is NOT the answer I get, but have made peace with the fact that God is in control and He cares for me.

I have a blog that is more for personal musings where I recently gave a post updating some more information about our journey and some of the things we've faced. If you'd like to read it, I welcome that. Thank you for being you! We love you dearly. The address for that post is: http://655kilmerst.blogspot.com/2012/04/getting-right-down-to-where-ive-been.html
Again it is just a personal blog and I am writing to help process some of what's gone on.

We are not currently making any plans for a long-term return to Guinea-Bissau, but we are staying connected to the project there and plan on short-term trips in the future. We hope to bring a building team at some point to see work done on the orphanage (maybe some of you will be on that building team!). The children there will always be close to our hearts. In the retrospect we've got, we are beginning to see that the greatest difference that can be made for this project is in the area of funding. We can likely do that BEST from here. It's not how we planned it all, but God is great and His plans are better and more complete than ours ever will be.

Jason is still looking for a job. He's had several interviews, and is currently waiting to hear back about two different jobs for which he is in the final phase of consideration. We're praying that he'll get a job soon and this waiting will end. Again, that's in God's hands as well. Once Jason has a job, we'll turn our attention back toward the project in Bissau a bit more.

We appreciate each of you so much and love you tons. Thank you for blessing us with your care and love and generosity towards a small country we love with all our hearts. Guinea-Bissau is a place filled with  hope. Not because the outlook is lovely or because the place is set up for success, but because God dwells there! He has never left and His people are moving by His will there in a mighty way. Guinea-Bissau will be filled with hope as long as God's people turn to Him and seek Him. We are blessed beyond measure to be able to witness the church there stepping up to the aid of orphans to build the second orphanage in the country.

Searching for purpose

where have we been?

Thank you for your patience and love! We have known and felt your prayers surrounding us all along and we are so thankful!

We haven't posted since November. Life has been a series of events that have not been according to our plans at all. Since November, I think we've been on the wildest ride we could have imagined right now. We thought we were in Guinea-Bissau to settle in and begin several years as resident missionaries there. Apparently, God has quite different plans. He wanted us to go to Guinea-Bissau, right? Yes. He did. I've really struggled with understanding this in my heart.

Why did God take us to Bissau for just long enough for our hearts to completely break for the children at the Orphan Home that MAFI is running? Is God being cruel? Is He unaware? I've really struggled with these thoughts and questions. And no, He is right here, beside me. It's one of those "footprints" times for me. I feel like I can't see Him, but it's because He's holding me. God is good, He is faithful, He is God.

Jeremiah 29:11-God knows us and He knows the children in Guinea-Bissau and He has a plan for each one of us. This picture is of Jason with a little girl from the orphanage.

I came home (this is Erica) at the end of October because I am sick. The last three months have been a series of inconclusive doctor's appointments and tests. The only thing they keep telling me is, "well, that's not normal!" After a lengthy separation from Jason, we decided it was best if he came home. My Dad went to visit Guinea-Bissau and to help Jason with the logistics of moving back home. Dad spent just over two weeks with Jason in total, only one of which was actually in Bissau. Their trip home took 8 days from start to finish and everything went according to plan! Jason, Sheba, and my dad arrived in Denver on December 30th. The logistics of moving (moving to a different country is a lot different than taking a trip, even if the trip is several months, and we prepared to MOVE there) to Guinea-Bissau and moving back to the USA (still without a place to call our own home yet) have been staggering (not to mention, doing all that with a Great Dane in tow). Wow. I have been calling it life-size whiplash.

James 1:2-4 & 12

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ... 12 Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

We have one more week (and a couple days) until we are able to move back into our house in Golden, CO. Jason is looking for a job and we are no longer living on support. I was offered a job out of the blue. It's from the school I've worked for before. I start work just a couple days before we move into our house. They are very understanding of my physical limitations and need to go for doctor's visits. We believe that God has been at our side in the midst of it all and not for a moment have we slipped from His hands. This journey is good and also very difficult. Those things have coexisted strongly in the last several months.

where to from here?

We have names and faces for the children in Bissau. Even though we're home, our hearts are still in Africa. We've wrestled with what that means and our hearts have hurt over it a lot as well. We received some very encouraging input from one of our supporters asking whether or not they could continue giving to the orphanage itself. We've decided we will be individually giving to the orphanage as well. Where does that leave us? We've got heart for a place we can't live, but maybe God's design is for us to live here and affect Guinea-Bissau entirely differently than we'd imagined. We have enough funding to get the rest of the wall built around the property on King Island. We'll be making sure that funding goes to the project and look forward to seeing it complete. The woman in this picture is taking water up from a well in the center of used tires.

We're really excited because this building project really is the dream of the church in Bissau, it's not originally ours, so we don't have to worry about it not getting done just because we're not there. The momentum is fully built. What seems to be needed is funding for the project. The church's first plan is to build a wall, then a guesthouse for missionaries. This will produce income that will make the orphanage viable once it is built. The last piece of the puzzle is the orphan home on King Island. Beyond that, there'll be implementation of a school, a possible agriculture program, but we're getting ahead of ourselves. Jason's worked out plans for a preliminary wall that accomplishes the needs of making the land fully available for the church. Our friends in Bissau are working on making that come together and we have the funds for making that wall happen.

In the next year, I, in particular, need to recover. We both need emotional recovery time, I need to get my physical issues worked out and then recovered, and we need to let God breathe new life to our plans and ideas. Please pray with us that this will come together under God's direction and that we will be able to rest and recover from this "whiplash."

We love you dearly and thank you for being with us! God bless you!

Erica Feucht

A Warm November

Hello wonderful friends,
Thing have been changing quickly here. Erica is home in the USA for medical reasons, we should know in 2-3 weeks what her treatment and recovery schedule are going to look like. I will let you know more of what I will be doing once I know more. I have been to the island where we will be building the guesthouse and orphanage and this next week we will be getting the licenses for building and will be breaking ground on the wall around the land that officially claims the land for the church in the next couple of weeks. The way land ownership works in Bissau is extremely confusing, Im still trying to wrap my head around it, but the important thing to take away is building will be starting soon!

My Kriol is coming along, but dont ask me to go to the market and buy sourkraut because I dont know the word for sourkraut yet...not to mention that is more of a German thing so there probably isnt a word for sourkraut.
I had the orphans at the childrens home tell me their life story and it was one of the most emotionally raw things I have ever done. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry again. It is unbelievable what many of the children that we are helping have been through.

One of the children, JC, was kiddnapped by a Senegalize man who said he was going to put him into school in Dakar. Instead he was forced to be a talibe, a street boy, and if he didnt return each day with a dollar and a kilo of rice or he would be severly beaten. They forced him to learn the Koran. He met a Guinean woman in the Market in Dakar who offered to pay for him to return to Bissau. His story didnt end there, but I get so teary eyed thinking of it that I will have to continue it later. I took videos of each of their life stories and I will let you know when I have them subtitled and uploaded onto YouTube.

Anyway it is getting late and I get to celebrate thanksgiving tomorrow so I should get some sleep, so I am going to sign off, I love you all,
Jason

We're melting!

Hello! It’s been quite a while since we’ve written. We’ve had more limited access to internet in the past week or so. We’re hoping to have that fixed soon.
We’ve often joked about Bissau being a place where someone could easily market a successful fad diet, but I think the truth in that is astounding. In the last month, Jason has lost 20 lbs and Erica has lost 15. The increased heat and just daily physical output of living here is much higher and food has to be planned for and thought of in advance. So, the idea for a fad diet here might still be on, you never know. Neither of us has had intestinal sickness or anything that would cause us to lose weight so fast, it’s just environmental factors, I think. Jason eats a TON here (yesterday, his Kriol teacher, Fernando, was here and we fed him lunch also. I gave both men the same amount of food and Fernando was shocked at how much was on his plate. Jason ate seconds) and we’ve also had to double the amount we feed Sheba and she is not gaining weight at all with the increase (she hasn’t lost any, either). Jenny Craig, step aside, there’s a better guarantee in town. It’s like living in a Bikram Yoga room.
I am not sure whether last time I was here I was just the victim of a truly terrible cook or what, but the food here has been actually very good! We’ve found lots of things we enjoy and I am learning to cook well. It’s a slow process and I often make mistakes, but it’s a lot of fun!
We’ve gotten moved into our house and are slowly setting it up. A few nights ago, it rained SO hard and we went to the porch to enjoy the fresh air and danced in the rain on our porch. I talked to the guy who is going to make our furniture—things like shelves and chairs and such—out of bamboo. We’re excited to get the furniture and put things away once we do. Right now, most everything we have in our house was given to us by the Atkins and our church here. We have a bed, lots of dishes and silverware, a shelf, a table and a mirror and some buckets that we bought to hold water and seal up dry food so rats won’t get it at night. Each morning, the rats have left us little poop-presents in the kitchen and on the back porch, so we know they’re coming into the house, but they haven’t eaten anything yet. A few days ago, a whole herd of ants went crazy on Sheba’s food. They filled the bag and were everywhere. We sprayed the outside of the bag with bug killer and sealed the entire bag in its own container for a few days and all of the ants have died. They are biting ants and since Jason has now had several nasty ant bites, he has a certain joy in vengeance towards them.
This is the house from the front. We’d appreciate your continued prayers for our health and safety. I am still trying to figure out what is happening with my health right now and we will let you know as soon as we find out more information. Sheba has been a fantastic guard dog! This morning, there was a guy who came to our door trying to get us to pay him to work. He woke us up early in the morning yelling to us from outside. When we got dressed and got to the door, he wanted to landscape the yard. We told him a number of times that we were going to do that ourselves, but he was very persistent. When he saw Sheba, however, he backed off. Later today, a man came to the house asking for money. Now, we’ve prayed over Sheba that God would give her discernment about when to react and when not to. Our friend, Ruthie was here when the man came asking for money and she told us we should let her deal with him and she was very insistent that we should go inside the house. Sheba was barking and growling and all her hair was up on her back. She was FIERCE. When the man left, Ruthie explained that he is with a group from Senegal that is well-known for trying to trick people into giving them money for tribal ceremonies. Ruthie was really glad Sheba was acting the way she was and told us it made the man leave. Every Guinean who is our friend tells us they are SO glad we have Sheba. They say she takes the place of many night guards, and I think that’s true. She wakes up a lot in the night and goes and checks the entire house. We feel SO safe knowing she’s always on duty.
We love you and hope things are going well!
Jason and Erica

All in a day's work

So, we've been adjusting to all kinds of things here. We've learned that accomplishing things takes WAY longer than you think it will and that the journey is more the goal than the end product. Just a couple days ago, I went to get a taxi to go downtown. As I was walking to the road, a guy walked up and asked if I wanted a taxi ride. Now, it's only a five minute walk to the road to where tons of taxis drive by, but I thought, "Why not, I'll save myself some time and take this guy up on his offer." I agreed thinking he would get in the car he was leaning on and we would go. He went to go get a change of clothes, some food, some gas for his car, oil, and a friend....everyone needs a friend when they go do stuff, right?
As I was waiting for this guy, I wanted nothing more than to just say, "Hey, never mind, I'll walk out and get a taxi at the road," but I thought maybe this was a way I could learn some patience and appreciation of the culture. I waited for probably ten or fifteen minutes and then the car was ready to be started....without keys. A few guys came and pushed the car down a small hill, but it didn't quite catch. A woman came by and asked the taxi driver for a ride as well and she and I helped the guys pull the car back up the hill and try for running start #2. It worked and the taxi took another few minutes to turn around and we were on our way. The driver was a really sweet person, though and helped me find the place I was looking for even though I wasn't real clear on its location.
I am learning to slow myself down. Greet people before thinking about business (and somehow not forget about business then, either), stop to talk to people who are just hanging out in the road, wait for the taxi in the road, etc. It's going well, and I am also sure that people are extending a lot of grace to me as I am not following cultural norms yet.
We're celebrating the small things like our success this week in managing to avoid the exuberant seating assistant at church who likes to forcibly seat us in the front row at church. We celebrated in a quiet way as we sat in the middle of the congregation and were able to watch everyone else and figure out what to do.
I can't wait to see the things that we'll learn in six months or a year. It's fun and exciting to look into this culture and enjoy aspects of it so much!
My camera cord is missing right now, when I find it, I will post pictures.

Emotional Culture Adaptation

Two days ago, we woke up to the sound of women wailing. An 8-year-old child passed away in our neighborhood during the night and everyone gathered at a house two away from ours to mourn together. She died of a very high fever, they took her to the hospital but there was nothing that could be done. It haunts me in ways, would it have made a difference if I had offered her mother some information about how to purify water, what if it was completely preventable, what if.... But all the what-ifs in the world are not going to make a difference now. We are here and we are working as hard as possible to get started the things we hope will make that kind of impact. There will be mornings we won't wake up to the sound of wailing and maybe it is be because someone has learned to washed their hands well or has purified their drinking water or did know how to keep someone hydrated if they have diarrhea. We're looking forward to those mornings. For now, we grieve with the people who experienced this loss recently and try to pray the serenity prayer.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

Courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to notice the difference."

Author Unknown

Guineans grieve very differently than we do. A large group of pepole gathered and chanted the wailing songs and cried loudly. They waited at the house near us until a large number of people had gathered and then they walked together to where I can only assume the burial was conducted. Then they returned to and sang and cried a while longer. There were people in the road who were wailing all day. One woman ran up and down the road by our windows screaming and singing, others curled in half and wept from the depths of their hearts. It was the sound of absolute heartbreak. I was struck by how different this is from how we handle grief in the USA. Much of the way that we grieve is very silent--that is what seems sincere to us because it's what we're used to. We are very aware of our impact on others and try to minimize any chance we make someone uncomfortable. The wailing in the streets was like an invitation to what I see as a very personal affair, and I think it was meant that way. I was laying in bed early in the morning and just wept with them silently in my American way of experiencing sadness.
At MTI, we spent a day talking about loss and grieving and they used verses from the Bible from all places that talk about different kinds and ways of showing grief. I took away from the lesson that it's critical to access emotions and deal with them fully in my own way before they abcess. For me, it usually means crying quietly, but not always. For a Guinean woman, it might look very different. Both are valid ways to handle loss.The flip-side of grieving outwardly is that most emotions are openly expressed here. Laughter is loud, conversations get loud and spirited easily and people here usually don't hold grudges long. It made me wonder if keeping emotions out in the open might be a great idea. Once you've cried out and expressed all you were feeling, what's left but to move on? Once you've had a huge argument and said all you had to say, you just call it done where if you hold it in and get upset, you never quite let it go the same way. Then, when it's time to laugh, you can do so openly and fully as well.
Since arriving, I have wanted nothing more than to start working. Now don't get me wrong, we are working, we're learning language, we're learning how to run a household in a whole new world, we're starting off and it takes time. But I, in all of my American "get 'er done" mentality, just ITCH to get to writing lesson plans, talking business, making what I would call progress. I have to keep stopping to realize this IS progress we're making right now. The picture below is of us Skype-ing with some family and friends recently. That in itself was a whole new skill-set to learn. Cooking is a MAJOR learning experience for me. Last time I was here, I just snacked most of the time, now I am starting to cook....and it's SO different than cooking has ever been. We got our water filter out and have cleaned it and it's just now filtering its first CLEAN water for us! I went and got medicine for Sheba today and learned more Kriol on the way. I have hired my friend, Ruthie to help me with the work of washing and cleaning so I can have time to work on teaching and things when we move. We pay her about $30 per month for 10 hours a week of work and it is a good wage for someone here. We're learning how to carve out time for us and spend time with people just talking and getting to know them. It's all a process and we're learning to walk at a pace that's reasonable.
Thanks for reading these thoughts about recent experiences. We love you tons!

The odd menagerie blog post...

This blog post is kind of an odd assortment of thoughts, feelings, experiences, etc.
I am on my way over to Emily Atkins' kitchen for the next couple of hours. We're attempting to make some salsa that a friend, Catalina, showed me in Washington DC. Hope we get it right, if so, our tastebuds will be duly rewarded! :)

About our current place in the journey:
I have been absorbing all that's going on rather slowly. This transition has been different on every level from the last transition. Last time, I think the way I prepared myself and set to work here in such a hurry was great, but not sustainable. This time, I feel like we're preparing for more of a marathon than a sprint. We're taking our time to pick a place to live, think about the things we might want in our house that will help us feel at home (for me, that's things like having good bedding on my bed and a pressure cooker in the kitchen; for Jason, it's having an internet connection that's easy to use and knowing the doors lock well--no cheesy locks). I think this will be a time of being ready for the long-haul. We're sinking our teeth in.

Colossians 1:10-12

This past Spring, we spent from January to May running and training to run races. We ran lots of 5Ks and one 10K. It's my long-term goal to run a half marathon the next time we're home and 4 yers from now, I want to run a full marathon. Once we've done that, we want to stay in shape to keep running at that level for as long as we can. The video here is of part of our race in the Bolder Boulder this year. Our life is a lot like our race training right now. Sustainability and long-term vision are important to us at this point.
This is a brief video from our 10K race this year.

Hebrews 12:1

1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Thanks for being with us:
Jason is in the bathroom right now using a hand-pump water filter to get us clean water for the day. We're thankful to have running water and filters to make it drinkable! Sheba is napping on her bed wishing she could curl up in our clothes, and I am writing you. It's like having you here in our house. We can feel your hugs, your encouraging words, your jokes and smiles. I can imagine each of you hanging out with us here right now and I know what you'd be doing.
There was a large spider on the wall this morning. It was one of the kinds that when you hit it with the fly swatter, all its legs fall off. I should take a video of it some time, you kinda have to see it to believe it. Anyway, I kept laughing because I was thinking of different ones of you and how you would react; from friends who would say "It's a spider, they eat other bugs, let it live in your house" to those who would be climbing the tallest thing in the room and just screaming. The spider was too high for me to reach so I was going to leave it alone, but Jason decided to swat it. It was over our bed, so when he hit it, its legs showered down on the sheets around its body. What inefficient spiders! Jason was a bit awestruck--he's heard about these spiders, but I don't think he realized they REALLY did lose their legs when you hit them.
Thank you all for pouring into our lives. As we spend ourselves and our hearts here, we are pouring out to people and God uses you to pour into us. Sometimes, when I talk to someone here, I see them through the eyes of the people who send us. There is tremendous love, compassion, sensitivity, humor, and joy we receive from you and it is so uplifting. Thank you for your heart for Africa.

Talking in Church:
A few days ago, I spoke at a women's group at church. I have no idea if the message I prepared was any good, but they were gracious and seemed appreciative--people here are SO kind. They tell you that you're doing a great job even when you slaughter the language completely, and they ask you to speak at meetings and groups on your first week here, just trusting us immediately. It's VERY humbling. Before I spoke, one of the women stood up and delegated different topics of prayer to each person in the group. The one that struck me most was the topic of prayer for women and marriages in Bissau. The way the woman talked about marriage was very telling. She said that there is an absolute war in in the spiritual realm over marriages. Marriage itself has become a battle here. She asked us to pray for God's intervention in marriage. The way she said it cannot be conveyed in words. Her eyes were alight with sincerity and the immediacy of this need. All at once, I saw these women in a whole new light, like fierce and sweet soldiers fighting for God's glory in their own families. They are like pillars of strength, and yet they are so fragile. Speaking before this group was absolutely the most humbling thing I have done in a while. All I wanted to do was pull up a seat and ask them to tell me their life stories and share with me about their strengths and experiences. I told them about how we've said goodbye to all of you and how it has been to leave the USA. I said that I've said goodbye to my family and dear friends knowing God has people for me to grow close to here, and I told them how glad I was to finally meet them!
I look forward to going back for women's group again this week. I know God is doing AMAZING things in the lives of women here and I am honored to witness it and play a role. Please pray that I approach all aspects of this with God's grace and heart.